i cant cry. 

it was a lovely sunny morning and we woke to get breakfast.

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the usual strange dreams. it began when i was getting into an elevator. i had been with my family and the elevator opened onto this hallway and was semicircular. there was light slanting down the hallway from the left. real nice white light. like a mid summers day out at sea. it seemed to be like the cruise. i remember getting into the elevator. and it was just a semicircular cutout in the wall that i stood in. but the elevator was broken or stuck or something. and i could see or hear my parents outside. and i remember being afraid. eventually i got out and i was with someone in this kitchen type area. i was unfolding decorations and getting them ready and some guy who was supposed to be my boyfriend was in my face. then i was outside on my block with people only it wasnt my street. and someone shot carols house with some ray gun that made her house explode. and then i was up on a hill where her house once was trying to make the landscape grow back to how it was before and i remember sitting up on the top of the hill looking out over the grass and feeling like i was watching for something. the clouded sky was incredibly ominous. and then i was on the cruise again. heading for lunch with kim nate and carly. and we wound up sitting on a couch. me next to nate and carly on his other side. and he said something about the world depressing him. and suddenly carly got really upset at him for not telling her. and i guess it hurt her that she was trying so hard and he kept that from her. and she started crying and tried to run away and she wound up burying her face in the couch on the other side of me. and he didnt know what he did wrong. and i had to comfort her. it was imperative that i tell her how much he cares about her. i wound up consoling her. it was such a strange disconcerting dream though. especially since hed had a dream the night before that carly had broken up with him. and woke up thinking it was real.

heyyy!! how have your new classes been going?! :)

ahhh hey girl. theyve been pretty good. im in love with philosophy and social psych. im not so sure how i feel about personality psych and race gender class and culture yet. statistics is what it is. so far the professors seem nice. some seem a little strict but not unreasonable. if you do what youre supposed to itll be fine. and i know at least one person in each class. im relieved. 

someone talk to me.

i am so frustrated. 

i am perched precariously on the edge of believing that i am content with everything as it is along with distaste in the idea of dating/being interested or putting effort into any guy and the idea that i just want something, anything, everything to happen/that i deserve something better.

i am encountering anxiety of new classes and potentially screwing up and not finding a job.

i am extraordinarily irritated at the fact that zach is a liar and andrew is a douche and in love with how great a friend nate is becoming and determined to do the best i can and confused about what i want and what anything means.

and utterly embarrassed about my first date and the guy and ashamed at what it might say about me because really it matters. 

i woke up and my mom had prepared cinnamon buns.

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wearemostaliveindreams:

Why can’t we just be ourselves, even if just for a day?

i dont know whether or not to text this guy back.