i woke up consistently around ten, did some chores, sat around appreciating my free time. i was content to spend time alone. i was interested in only my bed and my lights and my books and my bucket list and my mind and my guitar and my writing and my tea. one day soon after my conversation with matt about him liking that girl and him continually flirting with me and us consistently talking from the time we woke to the time we slept and picking up again the next day, i got bored. here was matt being what i wanted him to be. but he just reminds me how young he is, and how we talk about nothing. over and over we would have the same conversations. beginning with whats up and ending when someone could no longer think of anything to say, signified by an l.o.l or something insignificant and starting again. it made me tired. it made me angry. and so i ended the conversation. and i havent loved him since. not to say i dont love him. i just dont want to do it anymore. and i wish he wouldnt love me. i didnt talk to him for two days after that ending our streak of constant talking. and now we talk every day to every other day. and he is still great, but i wish he wouldnt be. i am not equipped for this. i took that whole week to reevaluate my priorities. and i was disgusted with the idea of love. he reminds me of a puppy, if only because he listens to what i say. that week i started to think of myself as better than him. i had too much thinking of life in my head and he mostly didnt. and i wanted to talk about it. i wanted to sit with him and just talk and talk and talk because i knew he couldnt understand me. im not trying to say i think im better than matt. but i felt the divide of the things i had learned in college and the lessons i had finally learned drawing a line between high school matt and i. i felt too much older, too much wiser. and he seemed to hang on my every word. i kept feeling like large. thats the only way to describe it. large. full of breath. fill the room. a something. star dust. i felt important. not in a cocky way. more like maybe i had caught on to something. sometimes it made me feel mean and afraid though. i felt like i could talk and talk and i just didnt want to be understood. but i really wanted someone to talk to. this was the week before i wrote that long post about wanting to talk. id mostly forgotten it by the time i wrote that, but the fact that i so suddenly fell out of love with the idea of love was frightening. and one night i sat there panicking. i kept trying to bring it up to kim. i had suddenly forgotten she was annoying and we were as things were in high school. constant talking and come over and eat here and lets go here and i think we should do this and this sounds fun and well do this someday. i just couldnt talk to her and april was upset about things and i didnt want to burden her with my small problem of hating love and i hadnt had a chance to tell saniya anything. ill get to this tonight. but the whole idea of love disgusted me. i hated the whiny love songs about not being able to let it go. i wanted to tell kim to let roberto go. i wanted to punch him in the face for avoiding her and being so immature. i wanted to rip apart everything i owned and start over. its just i dont have money to throw away everything and start fresh.  i wanted detox. and i dont have the will power to properly decide how to simplify things. i desperately needed change. i wanted to know everything and read everything and see everything and go everywhere and experience everything. i could not even think about liking anyone, and even less desirable was that someone else might like me. and then i wanted to be liked at the same time. my new found confidence was down the tubes and i just wanted to be liked. and i thought about dating and how i couldnt see myself dating anyone ever because the whole thing seemed pointless. and then how i couldnt picture myself getting married. and i dont want to be that cold girl that doesnt believe in love, that doesnt get married. i want to get married. but i cant love right now. and i dont know when i will. and i have to hope im not defective. and i have to hope that i wont want things until i have them for the rest of my life. i dont know what got into me. a hopeless romantic. now some nights i am still hoping for someone to love me. i will find what i want someday i guess. i think maybe i never loved matt. or maybe ive changed. i think not thinking of love those three weeks, not thinking about and not weighing my options and always searching for it in everyone i meet, was just a slight touch before not needing it or wanting it. maybe confidence is the difference. i am much better now. i have been thinking about love again though. i am still not ready. i still do not want matt to love me. but i am making myself promise not to let this idea of romance get in the way. it is just the seed of what it was. i need to just be ok with myself and let good things come to me and when it is ready i will find someone. i hope. right now all i want is to go out and dance with alex or greg. and that is that. i went to the cup with kim that week. the night we ran into lauren. i slept over her house one night. she slept over mine another. and aprils birthday was that weekend and she was doing nothing and i wanted to take her out to the cup. we made plans for the next week. she spent her birthday alone drinking with her dad.